Y O U R P O S T – S E A R C H S T O R I E S
FROM DOUBT AND WONDERING TO...
KINSOLVING has made my life so much better since you found my daughter. I no longer have to wonder, and she is so glad I found her. She also wondered and had questions. We are both so thankful for your service. With the amount of information provided to KINSOLVING, I did not think it possible to find but you proved me wrong. Thank you so much! ~ Sharon/PA
A CRUSHING BLOW
Having been warned that boys don't typically seek out their birthmothers, II held off paying for a search for several years after my biological son turned 18. Finally I paid for the search. He was found within three days. That was the most impressive part, because it turned out that he had been in prison for several years for vehicular manslaughter.
Reasoning that anyone could make a mistake like that, and with the conditions of the conviction (DUI, on purpose, accidental, etc) unknown, I decided to make contact. My son wasn't warm to the idea on the basis of contact alone. I quickly learned that he actually saw it somewhat as an opportunity to scam a new person. It wasn't blatant but it wasn't subtle either. After sending him a book of photos with his birth family history, and a copy of his original birth certificate, he asked for the original certified copy. I denied the request and told him why (potential for abuse). I even sent some money once through j-pay for him to purchase everyday needs while he was in jail.
After a few phone calls, it became clear that whatever trouble he'd been in had been long-running and was not expected to abate, although he tells a good story about how he wants to live a better life. It was very disappointing and I realized that I held no significant influence to help change his course, so I backed off of communication for a considerable period. He's back in jail now for burglary and makes a lot of excuses why it happened.
He told me that his adoptive mother assumed that I'd been on drugs or alcohol while pregnant as a reason for why he's in trouble. I was young, but I wasn't on drugs or alcohol or anything during the pregnancy that would have affected him later. He said his counselor also suggested that he'd been sexually molested.
I gave him up at birth so I can't account for what happened to him after that. I haven't spoken to the adoptive mother, so I can't verify her claims. Either way, it made me angry. I had a son 2 years later who I raised myself while struggling though a BA, then MA. My younger son turned out much better - gainfully employed and not in trouble. So I have some evidence that my child-raising abilities don't produce criminals.
With the information at hand, I made the best decision at the time in relinquishing so he could be adopted. Now I wonder if the adoption agency really checked out these adoptive parents. He lives in a very depressed community near a major metro area. That they allegedly had the gall to accuse me of being the reason he turned out that way, started me questioning whether he would have been better off with me, but that's a bottomless pit of "what ifs" so I don't go there very deeply.
I'm glad to have learned what happened to him; it quells the questions that have lingered for so long. I'll never know how much of his troubles were related to his being adopted. I haven't let go of all culpability, but I also know that the majority of adoptees don't get in trouble. I don't consider this story over. I still have hope for a more positive outcome someday. ~ Anonymous |
